“Pooing FTW!”
By far the best thing I’ve read today.
I’m sure this is far too much information for most of you, but…
The list of side effects from the Effexor is slowly dwindling as my body gets used to it. But just being honest, one that isn’t leaving is the constipation. It’s annoying and I do not like it. However, I now cheer whenever I manage to have a bowel movement. Is this wrong? I don’t think so. I think we should all cheer for our bodily waste products.
Just an idea.
Pile of Thoughts
I’ve been to three AA meetings in three days. I started recording vocals tonight at the studio and it went amazingly. StudioGuy and I are still getting along very well. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. The depression is still nonexistent. I love my dog. I recorded some paranormal shows that I can watch tomorrow. I’m about to fall asleep. I’m broke but I’m frugal. My sister in law is fucking awesome. And my pillow is perfection.
For these reasons & others not listed, my week has been great & for now life is good.
So much running through my head..
..but it’s time to sleep. I’m curled up under the covers, dog breathing gently against my arm, my head comfortably enveloped by my pillow… but my thoughts are racing 100mph (or 100kph, if you prefer). Does anyone else find it exhausting to have such an unfocused, multitasking mind? Never one thought logically followed by another… just a swirling, raging flood of everything all at once. It’s tiring. And yet ironically I can’t sleep.
On the bright side, my brother & his new wife just got back from their honeymoon (they’ve been gone almost two weeks) and as soon as his wife saw me, she said I looked so much happier, healthier, & more energetic than when she left. And also playfully mocked me for having ‘saggy-butt’ because my jeans don’t fit properly since I’ve lost the weight due to the med change. But it was good to hear that I look different, that I somehow look better. It made me smile.
My baby boy (dog) keeps having mini asthma/gasping attacks :( he’s trying to sleep but he keeps waking up because it keeps happening. Poor little boo :( I hope he feels better tomorrow because I’m taking him to DBT therapy group as an example of something I use to self-soothe. And yes the leader said it was ok.
Going to bed and hopefully hitting an AA meeting in the morning - if I can wake up on time =/ it’s difficult because of the Effexor but I know I can do it. For now - peace, love, and sweet dreams to all of you. Goodnight.
Work just called me.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was terrified. As soon as I saw the name show up on my phone my heart started racing. I can’t even really call it ‘my work’ - I haven’t been in for over a month. My meds might be stable, but for all I know the doctor will change them this week since I’m still having really severe tremors. They left me a voicemail & I’m afraid to check it. Mostly because I still don’t know what to do. Should I quit, or do I just work one day a week to keep my job until I can go back to full-time? My nannying job for Ex’s kids starts on June 1st, so it won’t be too long til I start having income again. I’ll do the nannying full time for three months, but then the kids will go back to school & I’d have to look for a new job. I know I can get a job, no problem, but the uncertainty of not having one terrifies me.
Breathe in, breathe out. I have to listen to the voicemail they left me. Breathe in, breathe out. It’s gonna be ok.
100mugsofcoffee asked: In DBT you aren't supposed to call eachother for support, thats what your individual therapists are for...
I know the ‘rules’ for DBT are ‘no relationships outside of group’ - however, our group leader has said she is perfectly fine with us calling eachother & hanging out - as long as we’re not engaging in or encouraging any type of problematic behavior. We all have eachother’s numbers and will often go out to eat before or after group. It’s a support system, and a way to keep us all focused. I do know the DBT rules say otheerwise though.
Strength in Support
I’m so glad people trust me. Don’t hear me wrong - I’ve worked hard for it. But it feels awesome to have it demonstrated. Like today:
There are about 10-15 people in my DBT therapy group. Three of them called me today for support. Three! One lady was having a really bad day and needed to talk it out and we brainstormed ways for her to stay mindful for the rest of the day. I called later to check on her & she had done everything we talked about & felt a lot better. Another one called just because she was feeling down & needed someone to listen & cheer her up. And I’ve spent the last three hours texting another girl because she had a really bad day at work & she was having very strong urges to purge & to self harm and she needed someone to understand her & empathize with her situation. By the time she went to bed the urges were gone.
I don’t feel like a particularly strong person. But when other people need support, they know I’m there 24/7. And in talking with these three people today & offering them encouraging words & ways to cope, I found such a confidence & strength in that. Not arrogance - but that I feel stronger because of it. And so I guess in supporting others, I in turn benefit from it. That’s pretty damn awesome. Jus sayin.
Church this morning (twice - one service at my church and one at my parent’s because my mother begged me to come) and recording with StudioGuy later tonight. I’m still not hungry thanks to the Effexor, but I’m going to try to get a bit of lunch in so I’m not shaking later. Just spent 20 mins outside laying in the sun while my dogs ran around and rolled in the grass.
Today is good thus far.
Talk & Unsleep
Therapy in the morning and I’m glad for that. I feel like with Ex kind of out of the picture for the time being, I haven’t really had anyone to talk to. I can talk to my therapist pretty candidly, but nothing like how I can talk to Ex. With him I can be completely transparent and honest about everything, and he shares equally as much with me. With my therapist I’m honest, but there are certain things I intentionally don’t bring up. I like her, but… it’s extremely one-sided, as it should be. I talk, she listens. She counsels. End of story.
I have a lot on my mind tonight and I can’t quite sort it out. Hopefully sleep will help but it’s stupidly hard to fall asleep when my mind is going this fast. Deep breaths, mindfulness, and my dog curled up in my arms… maybe those three things will be the perfect lullaby for me tonight.
Giving in to Desire
Recording last night was tedious once again. We got the first song done in 3 takes. Literally in 20 minutes. And then…. spent three and a half hours trying to do the second song. It’s not a difficult song, I just couldn’t get the timing right. StudioGuy was there at the beginning for the first song but then had to leave, so one of the other engineers was working with me on the second song, and he wanted one full perfect take, meaning four minutes of no mistakes, no missed notes, no speeding up or slowing down at all. And I couldn’t do it. After 3 hours my fingers were on fire and shooting pain up into my wrist and arm. Every take was a battle to not let my fingers collapse. I was exhausted. So we agreed to take a break.
The engineer (I’ll call him TechGuy from now on b.c he does a lot of the computer work) sat down with my guitar and started playing and he is AMAZING, so incredibly talented. I was mesmerized. We were talking & laughing while he played & I felt so relaxed. We made deliberate eye contact once while he was playing for 3 or 4 seconds, and then we both smiled and looked away. He’s attractive, just… not in a way that girls would fawn over. He’s shy, but he’s witty & smart & a brilliant musician & tech. But because I’ve already made a move on StudioGuy, I know I have to keep my hands off. So for now we’re limited to concealed glances and shy smiles. He’s a nice guy.
Once StudioGuy returned, I went in to try to get a good run on the second song. TechGuy stepped back & let him take over, and it went so fast. He had me do it section by section instead of one full take, and within 20 minutes we were finished recording. Then they just had to go back and blend some stuff, and bam - song two was done. I wish StudioGuy would’ve stayed longer in the beginning so I could’ve spared myself those three painful and fruitless hours, but it is what it is.
We headed out to our cars (it was after midnight at this point) and I hugged TechGuy goodbye, and as he drove away StudioGuy and I lingered and talked. And then kissed. And then started making out. And then I was pressed up against my car and our hands started wandering. My heart was pounding and I felt lust & desire starting to rise quickly within me. We stumbled and hastily made our way back to the studio where we turned off the lights and locked the door. What followed is too much to detail, but an hour later we both lay breathless on the couch, skin against skin, lips softly brushing against eachother, eyes connected in a drawn out stare filled with awe & desire. We dressed & walked out to our cars a second time, stopped for a moment to share one last kiss, and then we both got into our cars and went our separate ways.
I can’t say this is how I intended for things to go, but I’m not quite complaining either. It feels slightly like slipping back into old habits, but I’m only fooling around with him and not three different guys at once like I used to. And it’s helping me move on from Ex more than anything else I’ve tried. For better or worse I hardly think of Ex anymore. Maybe a few fleeting thoughts each day, but nothing more. I don’t know where this is going, or if it’s even going anywhere at all, but for now I’m content to let things take their course.
I hardly ever do these things, but eh… what the hell. The chica that asked me to do it is pretty cool :)
(I don’t do the whole ‘re-post’ing thing)
1. If you could pick just one word to describe yourself, what would you choose? (try to be creative!)
Eccentric
2. If you had the opportunity to do just one thing before you died, what would it be? (spending it with a loved one/s can’t be your answer)
Bungee jump off the highest bridge possible
3. Your two favourite names for a boy and your two favourite names for a girl?
boy - Damien & Aiden
Girl - Paxton & Norah
4. How would you describe yourself and you life at age 16?
Haha… Oh boy… I was awkward, insecure, a total music nerd, chubby, a budding drug addict, an athlete (softball & volleyball), a cashier at a retail store, young, immature, sexually frustrated, spiritually conflicted… I mean holy shit the list could go on and on, lol
5. If you could choose one profession for yourself (that you didn’t have to study for etc.) what would it be?
I want to be a counselor/therapist with everything in me
6. Your favourite item of clothing? Why is it your favourite and how do you feel when you wear it?
My one pair of jeans. They’re so damn comfortable, they fit perfectly… And I’m confident when I wear them because they make my ass look phenomenal, haha
7. Top 3 favourite movies and why? Do you relate to it/a character or just enjoy it?
I’m going to cheat… My three favorite trilogies are: the Bourne movies (because Matt Damon is a hottie & I love action & car chases), Lord of the Rings (do I need to explain that one? Everyone loves hobbits, and Aragorn is a sexy beast), and Pirates of the Caribbean (pirates are awesome, and Johnny Depp is my future husband, he just doesn’t know it yet)
8. Most treasured family moment?
When I finished running the marathon (26.2 miles/40-45 km) and my family was there at the finish and were all so happy for me, and my mom said ‘you did it, I can’t believe you actually did it’ which was the first time in over a year of training that she had even acknowledged my running
9. The craziest rumour you have heard about yourself?
I took leave from work for 2 weeks recently & didn’t tell anyone, and when I returned people were saying either a) that I was pregnant & had an abortion, or b) that I had picked up drugs again & been kicked out of my house & was living in my car. People are fucking creative.
10. You’re favourite topic to discuss?
Mental illness and the unnecessary stigma that surrounds it. I love being able to inform people about what it’s really like and see their attitude towards it completely change.
11. In one paragraph tell me what you think of me and how you see me!
Foreverfranklin:
Well you’re pretty awesome or I wouldn’t follow you, haha. I like your posts because they’re realistically positive, and when you talk about your guy it always makes me smile :) you seem like a very down to earth person who looks at life optimistically, but doesn’t deny the challenges that you face. What can I say. I like you :)
Recording at the studio again tonight
Went to one of StudioGuy’s shows last night at a bar, and DIDN’T DRINK! Fuck yea. Still 15 days sober. On the way out he hugged me really tight and then softly kissed me. Aggggh. I can’t wait to see him tonight at the studio.
In other news… still no job. Still bored. Still lots of free time. Still no money. But still clean & sober.
Two Glorious Weeks Sober
And by the grace of God, many more to come. So grateful for the community of AA that has been helping & carrying me through this time of change. I wouldn’t be where I am without their constant & nonjudgmental support. I also wouldn’t be where I am without working my ass off and doing what I have to in order to change my own life.
Whatever the reason, and even though I don’t deserve it, I’m grateful to have two weeks of being clear headed.
